(Very Angry) Letters from Purgatory
by dazai-san
Summary: Hi. I'm Obito Uchiha. I recently discovered this horrific thing known as fanfiction, and I have many, many complaints to you so-called fanfiction authors. Oh, and by the way, I'm hardly the only angry dead guy. Minato-sensei looks like he wants to murder somebody.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** (Very Angry) Letters from Purgatory

 **Summary:** Hi. I'm Obito Uchiha. I recently discovered this horrific thing known as fanfiction, and I have many, many complaints to you so-called fanfiction authors. Oh, and by the way, I'm hardly the only angry dead guy. Minato-sensei looks like he wants to murder somebody.

 **Notes:** This is from a pairing neutral point of view, aside from all canon stuff, so if you honestly think I'm going to promote SasuNaru or something because I ship it, you're out of luck because it's not canon.

Post-canon.

Additionally, there's swearing. Lots of it. To be expected from me, after all.

.

Dear Fanfiction Authors,

Hi. I'm Obito Uchiha. I recently discovered this horrific thing known as fanfiction, and I have many, many complaints to you so-called fanfiction authors. Oh, and by the way, I'm hardly the only angry dead guy. Minato-sensei looks like he wants to murder somebody.

My first complaint?

 _Yaoi._

I have nothing against being gay. It's natural. But I _do_ have something against _randomly pairing guys_ when they literally met like, what, _two times?_

(I'm glaring at you Kakashi/Iruka fans right now.)

And… are you guys seriously putting me with Kakashi right now? I am totally unimpressed. If it wasn't _obvious_ , I love Rin. (I am _not_ hearing Kakashi's voice telling me that it's just a stupid childhood crush. This isn't a suspiciously specific denial. Where are these accusations coming from?)

Besides, why am _I_ (usually) the bottom?

Off topic. Don't answer that question.

But anyways.

Why don't many people ship ObiRin? You guys break my heart. What is _up_ with you fanfiction authors and your precious _yaoi_? Talk about _squick_. (Shut up Kakashi's-voice-in-my-head. I did _not_ spend three hours browsing TV Tropes yesterday.)

Also. Oh my god. The amount of M rated shit. I _really_ wish mind bleach existed because I'd love to drink an entire bottle from what I had read. From just the fucking _summaries_ oh my god. This site contains _Uber High Octane Nightmare Fuel._

(Shut up Kakashi. I am _not_ obsessed with TV Tropes no matter what you say.)

Anyways, yaoi is hardly the only thing I'm bothered by, but I'm already severely disturbed by just _remembering_ what you guys had written _(I never knew bodies could_ bend _like that, and really I didn't want to)_ and I'm signing off for today.

Signed,

The Amazing Obito Uchiha a.k.a. Tobi a.k.a. Madara Uchiha

P.S. I _could_ add more of my monikers but that'd take way too long, so no.

.

 **a/n:** I know. Horribly overdone, amirite. *flips hair fabulously* But honestly, I thought it'd be best because I'm good at looking at things from an unbiased point of view. I think. But this _needed_ to be written because Obito's fun to write and I like Obito's character. Seriously.

By the way, I personally like yaoi/shounen-ai, but I don't think anybody would take kindly to being shipped with somebody they actually don't like, especially if they like somebody else. Thus Obito's reaction.

I _do_ personally ship Obito/Kakashi (or Kakashi/Obito, if you're picky) but I doubt canon-Obito would.

Reviews are lovely and are the food of the gods.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** (Very Angry) Letters from Purgatory

 **Summary:** Hi. I'm Obito Uchiha. I recently discovered this horrific thing known as fanfiction, and I have many, many complaints to you so-called fanfiction authors. Oh, and by the way, I'm hardly the only angry dead guy. Minato-sensei looks like he wants to murder somebody.

.

Dear Fanfiction Authors,

Oh shoot. Excuse the yellow stain on this paper, I was drinking lemonade— _no it is not pee_. I am a grown man. I think I can control my _goddamned bladder_.

Yes, I was drinking lemonade. Yes, I am dead. Yes, apparently, dead people can drink lemonade. So screw you, you living-ist.

Rin says that living-ist isn't even a word. So enjoy the hyphen in there.

Speaking of non-words not being words, why can't like, half of you _authors_ out there spell and use grammar properly?!

Jeez, it's like you guys forgot half of what your teachers taught you. _I_ can spell better than a lot of you out there and I was born during wartimes and joined the battlefront when I was like, nine or ten. I don't remember exactly.

Also, grammar. Grammar. Grammar. Good god, the grammar. I'm not even going to touch that subject. Just—fucking fix it. Go back to elementary school or something.

Oh, and what is _up_ with you guys using Japanese words all the time? I can get the honorifics, since they're hard to translate into English, but really, ohayo gozaimasu? Just write _good morning,_ goddammit! And half the time you don't even use the terms properly.

Hey, look, my lemonade's finished. I'll sign off here and hope that you guys will improve your writing with a little incentive from me.

Signed,

Obito Uchiha

P.S. I want coffee.

P.P.S. Rin says I'm hyper enough and took away the coffee machine, coffee powder, and coffee beans.

.

 **a/n:** I'm going to be honest here and say that I was guilty of using Japanese terms, but I didn't do it often.

Also, who else here learned most (if not all) of their Japanese vocabulary from bad fanfiction? (Well, now I'm taking Japanese in school, but that doesn't really count.)

Reviews are the food of gods, not nectar and ambrosia.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** (Very Angry) Letters from Purgatory

 **Summary:** Hi. I'm Obito Uchiha. I recently discovered this horrific thing known as fanfiction, and I have many, many complaints to you so-called fanfiction authors. Oh, and by the way, I'm hardly the only angry dead guy. Minato-sensei looks like he wants to murder somebody.

.

 **IMPORTANT NOTICE FROM OBITO/MADARA/TOBI UCHIHA**

Dear Fanfiction Authors,

Hey, what's up guys. It's Obito again! You all know you miss me.

Well, I just recently founded the Angry Letters Club, and so far just about every dead person from Naruto canon has decided to join.

That's not the important notice, by the way.

Attached to this message is a recording from the _real_ Madara Uchiha, Hashirama Senju, and Tobirama Senju. Madara didn't let Izuna partake in the creation of the recording. That was… a good move, on his part, considering Izuna looked like he was about to put a sound activated genjutsu on the lot of you.

Be thankful to Madara that you won't be insane.

Anyways, enjoy the recording. I've removed every single seal and potentially dangerous weapon from the attachment, with the exception being this paper, because _Konan_ , you know. But I swear, it's safe. She hasn't touched this paper.

At least I don't think she has. She still hasn't forgiven me for killing her or stealing Nagato's eye. Sheesh. Terrifying woman.

Well, without further ado, here's your recording. Be careful. Turn down your volume. It's _loud_. Especially Madara's yelling.

Signed,

ObiTobi

 ***PRESS PLAY***

" _Why. That is really all I have to say to you imbeciles. But I believe the Uchiha and my brother have far more to say to you."_

" **No. No. No. No. No."**

"I think you broke Madara."

" _Correction: You turned him into a broken record."_

"Same thing, Tobirama. Poor Madara."

" _I can't believe I'm saying this but I agree."_

" **YOU FUCKING SONS OF BITCHES ME WITH HASHIRAMA WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT AND WHY AM** _ **I**_ **BOTTOM ANYWAYS?!"**

" _...Wow. That was mildly explosive."_

"Understatement of the eon. And ha, see, they recognize that I'm stronger than you—"

-Here, there is a painful sounding crack and a punching noise.-

" _To be fair, Hashirama, you totally asked for that."_

" _ **Hey, you guys, the people next door are complaining about the noise—"**_

" **HAH? THEY'RE COMPLAINING ABOUT ME DEFENDING MY HONOR—"**

-There is the sound of Madara's voice fading gradually as he is forcibly being removed from the scene, presumably by Tobirama and Hashirama.-

" _ **Uh, that's it. Pretty short, but I'm pretty sure Madara broke your eardrums already…"**_

-A click, signaling the end of the recording.-

.

 **a/n:** s-s-s-s-s-s-suffer the founders' rage haha

And Hashirama totally asked for that.

Admit it, he totally did.

And admit it, Obito _totally_ would make that club because he can.

Leave a review? Thanks, it's always appreciated~!


End file.
